hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Randomize
