I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I think my nap took me to another dimension
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
