I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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