youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
