guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
