Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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