If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
