it hurts more in the daytime
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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