So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
