My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
