Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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