If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
