I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
