So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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