Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
