roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
