Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
