My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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