I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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