dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Oh god it's open bar.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
