Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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