I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
