I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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