I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
