My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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