my mouth tastes like poor choices
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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