Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
that may or may not have been my penis.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
