Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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