Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
