Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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