i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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