Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Randomize
