my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
