he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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