a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
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I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
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You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize