and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
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His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
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Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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