I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
