So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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