Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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