i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
