By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
