I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
