So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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