found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
