She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
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This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
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I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.