i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?