I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog