Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
USA USA USA
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.