i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist