And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
