We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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