if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
