first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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