You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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