lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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