i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
