I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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