dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
