I cannot find my penis.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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