I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
