someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Is Oprah even human
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
